Friday, September 21

A Difficult Time

Warning----may be difficult to read, but I feel that I need to share our story...



I wanted to let everyone know that I am going through a very difficult time right now and I am working to heal my heart.  My husband suddenly collapsed Tuesday morning, September 4 while I was on my way to school.  I received a phone call from my 12 year old son that his dad was laying on the floor and he didn't know if he was breathing.  I told him that he needed to tried to wake him up and I would call 9-1-1.  While I was doing that my son gave his dad CPR.  I arrived home shortly after the paramedics and they frantically worked on him in the dining room.  They were helping him breathe and finally were able to shock his heart before leaving our driveway.  While in the emergency room they need to shock him again and then his heart began beating on its own without any further interruption.  The cardiac lab found no blockages in his heart and later found out that he had a blood clot in his leg and they suspected part broke off and went to his lung. He tried to wake up and was breathing over the monitor so they told us they needed to sedate him and help his body heal.  The hooked him to a machine called the Arctic Sun that cooled him quickly to 33*C and he stayed like that for 24 hours and then was warmed slowly over a 16 hour period.  Over the next few days we had ups and downs and without going into all the details, I can tell you that my world came crashing down because I lost part of my life when he died on that Wednesday.  My youngest son is a hero in our eyes and he is struggling with that because he didn't think he did enough.  We are assuring him that if he had not been there for his dad we most certainly would not have had the extra nine days to be with him.  Even though he never was able to talk to us or fully wake up I am assured that he fought as hard as he could to be with us and for that I am grateful.  I am taking some time off from the classroom because I want to be in a better place when I go back to my kinders.  I am working on making my family feel safe again and will work on school projects while Devin is at school--this will help me stay in my 'teacher form'.  I still am unable to process everything that has happened because he was a healthy person.  He had just been to the doctor the month before for a check up.  There were no typical warning signs and I am told that even had he gone to the doctor that morning it would have been unlikely that they would have suspected a blood clot.  I struggle with my emotions daily and am trying to find my new 'normal'.  We were very close and usually where one was, the other was close behind.  During a time like this you find out who you can count on, and sadly there are one or two who should just keep there mouth shut.  I am thankful for family and friends and my school family,  Everyone has been very patient and understanding.  It is easier to write the words than to actually say them.  I am finding that I am forgetful now and the emotions change often and all over the place.  Please pray for my family.  I am not noticing any red line errors and I really don't want to go back and reread my post, so please forgive my rambling.  I know with prayers I will get to that safe place again.

I love that man.

91 comments:

  1. Barb, my heart is aching for you and your family. I will be praying for all of you. This post says many beautiful things about the love you and your husband shared.

    Grief is difficult. The forgetfulness, etc. is part of the experience. When our baby girl died, I couldn't make eye contact with people. Give yourself space to feel what you are feeling; I think taking time off is a good thing. HUGE HUGS and LOVE, Chrissy

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    1. Thank you. I can't imagine losing a child, I will pray for you also and I understand the eye contact as well.

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  2. Please accept my most heartfelt sympathy for your loss. No one should have to endure what you and your family are going through. My heart is broken for you. I leave you with thoughts of peace and courage...

    Ѽ Lori
    Teaching With Love and Laughter
    luvyorkies@gmail.com

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    1. It is just so hard to understand and accept because it was very sudden, he was in good health, and we are young (I think). I am 44 and Frank was 49.

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    2. Just stopping by again to let you know that you and your family are still in my thoughts and prayers. Sending my best...

      Ѽ Lori
      Teaching With Love and Laughter
      luvyorkies@gmail.com

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  3. Barb, My heart aches for your family. My thoughts and prayers will be with you in the rough days ahead. Be strong for your family but give yourself time for tears...it's natural and necessary! MANY MANY hugs and prayers:)

    Tammy
    1...2...3...Teach With Me
    Dots of Fun!

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    1. Thank you. Tears flow on their own often without my permission so I just go with it.

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  4. Barb, you and your family are in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss! Take the time you need to help your family and yourself. Blessings to you!

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  5. My heart is breaking for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  6. Barb,
    I am so sorry for your loss. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  7. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

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  8. Oh Barb, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I will pray for you and your family as you go through such a difficult time. You are doing the right thing in taking time to help your family feel safe again, even when you do not understand the whys and hows of it all either. God bless you and your family.

    ❤Mrs. McKown
    Little Literacy Learners

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  9. I am sorry to hear about your lost. I will pray for your family!!

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  10. Thank you for all the prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and I know that will give us strength to cope with what has happened. Not sure if I noted it, but I have three amazing boys and a new daughter. My sons are: Eric 24, Tyler 21, he married Megan 20, and Devin who is 12. We are a very close family and I am so proud of how Frank and I raised them.

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  11. I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family.

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  12. I am so sad to hear of your husband's passing. You are in my prayers.

    Nicole

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  13. Thinking and praying for you and your family.

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  14. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  15. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  16. This just breaks my heart for you! My dad passed away very unexpectedly 6 years ago when he was only 56 (and my mom was only 45), and although I now know no one could ever really know what you're going through, I do now how hard it is to be around people and have to talk to them during such a difficult time (especially the ones who say stupid things). You and your children are definitely in my prayers...I know how hard it's been on my mom and my sister and I , so I will be thinking of you often.
    Vickie

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  17. My condolences on the loss of your beloved husband. Your children will be a comfort to you and you will always feel close to your husband as you see him through your children's faces and actions. God Bless you and your children.
    tami

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  18. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Your son IS a hero and so very brave. I am sending you prayers and warm thoughts from Oregon.
    Sincerely,
    Sarah Paul

    Sarah's First Grade Snippets

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  19. My heart is breaking for you and your family. I am so sorry for you. I will be praying for all of you. Take one day at a day and cherish the memories that you have. You now have an angel watching over you and your family.My deepest sympathy.

    Jackie

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  20. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  21. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your son is a hero. What a brave boy. My prayers go out for you and your family.

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  22. Oh I am so sorry; I have chills and I cannot imagine what your family is going through! I will keep you and your family in my prayers....

    Kelly Brown

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  23. My deepest sympathy goes out to you and your family. Your son is truly remarkable to be able to do something like that and stay calm at such a young age. God bless him. My prayers are with you during this time of loss. Take the time you need to heal. You will always have an angel close by.
    Donna

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  24. So sorry for your loss. My deepest sympothies go out to your family. Your son was a Hero. It is amazing that at his young age he was able to act fast and know to perform CPR. I pray that God's strentgh is passed on through you and that you all may be able to be at peace.

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  25. I am so sorry for your loss! My prayers are with you and your family! I hope your son realizes that he really is a hero!

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  26. My condolences to you and your family. Stay strong and know that you have many people who are praying and sending good thoughts your way.

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  27. I am so sorry - thinking and praying for you and your family

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  28. your relationship with your husband sounds so much like mine with my husband :( My heart is breaking for you & I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling right now... just know that God is always in control, even when things seem impossible... always stay focused on Him and everything will be clear soon. Praying very much for you and your family...

    Kimberlee

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  29. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Lost my husband when my youngest son was 15. Teaching kept me going. Let God lead your next steps.

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  30. I can't even imagine what your family is going through, but I can offer my prayers and good thoughts to come your way. God must have needed an angel and He found one in your husband. I know all of our words will never take away the pain, but all of here in blogland are holding a place in our hearts for you and your family.

    I pray that peace will come to your hearts soon.

    <3

    Janine

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  31. Barb,
    I have never met you, know nothing about you except what you share on your blog, yet I sit here with tears running down my face ~ I am so sorry for you loss. Wrap your arms around your family. I am praying for you all.

    Sincerely,
    Cindy
    ccfirstteacher@gamil.com

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  32. My sweet, sweet friend. My heart breaks for you and your family. Everyone who ever saw you two together envied your special connection. We miss you terribly at school, but I know you are right where you need to be. We will take care of your kinder babies while you take care of YOU and your family.

    Hugs, love, and prayers!

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    1. Thank you, I am lucky enough to say that I have a wonderful school family and that is one thing I know I do not have to worry about. Please tell them that I miss them and I am working my way back to them.

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  33. I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband had a DVT that broke off into multiple pulmonary emboli when he was 27. Thankfully he survived, but like your husband's it was unexpected and couldn't have been predicted. It was a frightening time. I can't imagine what you and your children are going through with his loss, but you are in my prayers.

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  34. Thinking of you and praying for your family. <3

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  35. Thinking of you and your family during this time! Don't you worry about those babies! They will be just fine! Take care of you. =)

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  36. I'm so very sorry for your loss :o( You and your family our in my thoughts and prayers.
    Mel D

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  37. There really are no words that are adequate at a time like this. What do you need to hear? This is my first visit and have arrived to extend my heartfelt prayers in such a time of unbelievable grief. Know that you are being held up in prayer by the blogging community.

    I pray that grace wrap around your entire family in the midst of your heartfelt loss -- that came with so little warning. I will continue to pray for your youngest son as he accept his deserved title of hero, while he wrestles with wishing for a different outcome.

    Know that you are cared for. Know that your husband's love will continue to permeate your days as you reflect over the minute and hours ahead. Please take very good care of yourself as you begin to move forward in the midst of your loss.

    Strength and courage.
    Strength and courage.
    Strength and courage.

    Debbie Clement

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  38. Barb,
    I am so sorry for this sudden loss of your husband. I am praying that you will have grace, wonderful memories of your time with him flooding your mind and soul, and strength to endure it.
    Love,
    Maggie (Maggie's Kinder Corner)

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  39. My heart is going out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  40. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the heartache that you are experiencing. My prayers are with you during this difficult time. May God look over you and your family and help you through this. My heart goes out to you.
    Lisa
    Learning Is Something to Treasure

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  41. Thank you, Barb, for so willingly sharing this glimpse into your lives with us. It's heartbreaking to lose the love of your life, your cornerstone, your children's father, your knight in shining armor, your partner, your friend. Lean into the pain and let your friends and family be there for you now. Know that you are loved and admired and that we're lifting you and your children up in prayer as you celebrate Frank's life and legacy and grieve your loss.

    May you be comforted and wrapped in a blanket of love.

    Barbara

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  42. My prayers are with you and your family...

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  43. Praying for you in these difficult days and in the days to come!!!! I cannot even begin to understand your hurt and loss, but will claim the promise that God will sustain you even in this terrible time! Praying for His peace! Lots of love and prayers, Shannon Bryant (Bryant's Brain Train)

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  44. I am lifting you up in prayer. I know exactly how you are feeling. It has been 5 years since my husband went to Heaven. I miss him every day.

    Please know I am here for you. If you want to talk or email at any time of the day or night.

    God IS with you and your precious family.

    Bobbi
    bcapwell@ccisd.net

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  45. Barb,

    I don't even know what I could say to you that would give you any peace of mind right now & I can't imagine the shock you must be going through. My heart goes out to you!! I am in tears reading this, but I am also a bit scared as well. I do believe that I have a blood clot in my leg and I keep ignoring it - This is definitely a wake up call for me.

    I will be praying for you, your son, and your family!! Your son is a hero - most definitely. I can't imagine how scary that must have been for him. I pray that God whispers to you when you feel alone, hugs you when you are scared, and completely surrounds you with comfort during the night. As life stands still for you, I pray that God pours wisdom and clarity into you and your son as you begin to try to process and understand what happened.

    Please let me know if you need ANYTHING...even if it is just to ramble and cry while I am silent on the other end. Sometimes, the best thing anyone can do is to just be "present". It is okay to cry and okay to fall apart, so long as you get back up. I pray that God gives you wisdom when talking to your son & gives you discernment and the words to know what to say to him.

    Michelle
    The 3AM Teacher
    the3amteacher@gmail.com

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    1. Please, please Michelle go to the doctor and have it checked. Please do not put it off and update me with the results. It would be comfort to know this helped someone else.

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    2. I am making the appointment in the morning. I hope you don't mind me asking, but did your husband have any varicose veins or anything noticeable??

      I have been getting weird bruising on one of my legs for no reason at all. Just small bruises, but they are from absolutely nothing...
      I will definitely keep you updated. Reading your post literally felt like a jolt. Not just for myself either, but just the reality that our time really is so short.

      You and your son have been on my heart all day. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I have been praying that you are financially stable as well. I know that is none of my business, but it seems like two full-time incomes are a necessity and I wouldn't want you to have to worry about bills. My sister-in-law lost her husband 5 years ago and it was so hard for her. She had just gave birth to her second child and her life completely changed over-night.

      She really didn't truly cry until after the funeral because that is when it became real. Going to the funeral home was the most difficult part for me. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that my brother-in-law's physical body was there, but I couldn't touch him or talk to him. Like your husband, he passed away suddenly, but from a brain clot.

      It wasn't until after the funeral and after the commotion of family and friends being right there every minute, that I saw my sister-in-law completely break to pieces. I will never forget the look on her face when she walked into her house after everyone had left, saw his pack of cigarettes and his jacket on the table where he had left them, and looked at her two kids sleeping on the couch - and collapsed in complete sadness and confusion. We sobbed for hours and she was so composed up until that point.

      I am praying for you throughout the day, but I am praying that the peace and comfort comes after everyone else has left and moved on- that is when it is the most difficult. I pray that you continue to be surrounded by your family and friends.

      Thank you for responding <3
      Michelle

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  46. I can't imagine your pain and your emotional roller coaster, but I am praying for you and your sweet son.

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  47. We're praying for you and your family. I cannot even imagine. :( This breaks my heart.

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  48. I am also praying for you and your sweet family. Grief seems unbearable and huge in the beginning. Allow yourself to feel all of it, and gradually your heart will heal. Time. It just takes time. Your love will endure, and your beautiful memories will soften the pain.

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  49. My heart breaks for you and your family. I cannot even begin to imagine the emotions you must feel at this devastating time. Love, hugs, and prayers from KY...

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  50. So incredibly saddened by your loss. Many prayers and love to you and your family.
    Jean
    Diving Into 2nd Grade

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  51. I am sending prayers and warm hugs to you. I lost my father much the same way a few years ago and there really aren't any adequate words. I must say I'm in AWE of your son.
    ✪Crystal✪
    Strive to Sparkle

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  52. So incredibly hard to imagine. I am sad for you and your family. you son is truly a hero for keeping a cool head and being able to call you. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
    Bless you,
    Mary

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  53. My prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going though but know that your husband is in a better place now and you will one day be reunited. Until then, stay strong for your family and know that you have a world of teachers out there praying for you.

    Ѽ Alessia
    Mrs. Albanese’s Kindergarten Class

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  54. Thoughts and prayers to you during this time. I pray for strength for the days ahead and I pray that God wraps his arms around you. I pray for comfort for you and your family.

    Heidi

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  55. Praying for you and your family. I was very touched and saddened by your post.

    Sally from Elementary Matters

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  56. I do not know you, and I can scarely imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I know that you have dark days ahead of you, and that there will be times that you feel like you can't go on - know that this is totally part of the grieving process and do not feel guilt for feeling that way. Let your friends, family and coworkers be the hands and feet of God and let them minister to you (why is it so hard for women to let others serve us????). I will keep you and your family in my prayers, and hope you will update your blog to let us all know how you and your family are doing. I pray that you will find comfort and peace. Nancy

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  57. My dad died of a heart attack when he was 42, and I was 11. Like your husband, he had a healthy checkup just weeks before his heart apparently had an arrythmia and went into cardiac arrest. It is so hard to start another "normal" day and have your life suddenly changed so quickly. I will be thinking of you and your family a lot, because it is so similar to my own family's experience. If you ever need someone to talk to, come find me. You have a tough road ahead, and things will never be the same, but things will get better.

    Sending my love.
    Jenny

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  58. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away at the end of June, and although I had 6 weeks to deal with my grief before school started again, everyday is a struggle. He was sick for a while, but it was still unexpected, as we had such high hopes for a recovery. So I, too, am trying to find my new normal. I hope you can find comfort in the love that you still share, as evident in the wonderful family you created together. These thoughts help me. I wish you all the best on the journey that you on.
    Anna Marie

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  59. So sorry to hear about your loss. I hope your family will help you through this tough time.

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  60. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and the sadness you are going through at this time. I pray the you feel God's presence as you work towards healing and finding a safe place again with your family. Loss is a terrible and hard thing. We lost our firstborn daughter and it took me months to even feel close to functioning again. Talking to close friends was helpful to me.....crying is cleansing and healing and although the pain will never go away, each day will get a little easier. Take the time you need for you and your family. Lifting you up in prayer!

    4th Grade Frolics

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  61. My heart is breaking for you and your family! Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Krista
    stellar-students

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  62. I am so very sorry for your loss and I can't even imagine the pain your family is going through. Please know that many of us are praying for strength and peace for you. Our God is strong enough to carry us, but also gentle enough to enfold us in His loving embrace.

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  63. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Barb. My father passed away in January 2010 when I was 19, my sister 17. I had to make the decision to take him off the machine as he was only getting worse, the worst day of my life. The pain will never go away, but you will heal and it will get easier day by day. Know that you have such a strong support system behind you each and every day. Your family is in my thoughts & prayers and I'm here if you need anything at all.

    Sara

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  64. Many, many hugs and prayers for you and your family.

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  65. I struggled with whether to post about this or not and I found that I had to so I could begin to heal, so I did. By writing this post and sharing my story with fellow bloggers, my intention was help my heart by talking about it to "someone" who would just be there to listen. I had no idea all the comments and support that it would bring me. I am truly blessed to have wonderful people surround us during this time. Please continue to pray for our family. I am so thankful for all of you.

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  66. Sending some thoughts and prayers your way. I hope that your son really understands what a hero he is! I am so glad you are taking time to spend with your family! They need you and you need them especially now. Please let us know if you need anything.


    Simply Kinder

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  67. I am praying that God will meet that need and void in a way that only He can. May he comfort your heart and heal your soul. I pray that you have sweet sleep and that God will send you everything you need. I pray that God will wrap His loving arms around you as He treasures your tears in a bottle. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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  68. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

    Mandy

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  69. I am so sorry for your loss...I can't even imagine. ((hugs))
    Jennifer
    First Grade Blue SKies

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  70. Very sorry for your loss! I hope that your son has the healing that he needs. As a former police officer, I have lost many that I have performed CPR on and have always prayed that I would never have to use it on a loved one. It is very hard to let someone go. It is a blessing that he helped your family all have time to say goodbye! Prayers are with you!

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  71. I am so sorry for you and your family. "The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms." My family, class and I will pray for you, that God give you peace and rest. His arms are there for you and He will be with you- keep talking to Him.
    Ann
    TheCaffeinatedClassroom

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  72. You and your family are in our prayers.

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  73. My heart goes out to you and your family. You have an amazing son; I know his dad is very proud of him!

    Janice

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  74. Please know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many people. I'm sure that your sadness must be overwhelming. Let your friends take care of you and your family. Love and prayers.
    Lyn

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  75. Thinking of you at this very difficult time, praying that God will continue to give you strength and that in Him you will find peace.

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  76. I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers go to you and family.

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  77. My heart breaks for you and your family. Your husband sounds like he was a very special person. I can't imagine the loss you feel. I have thought about you and your family since reading your post a few weeks ago. I just wanted to let you know that you have and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that as each day passes the fond memories you have of Frank helps you through this difficult time.

    Jessica

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers.

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  78. Words cannot express how sorry I am Barb. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  79. I am thinking and praying for you and your family during this holiday season. As difficult as it is to accept such a devastating loss, soon you will be able to bring up memories with a feeling of celebration and thankfulness for having those moments to remember. There is no timeline for the feelings you and your family are going through. Let your emotions be felt even in front of your children. They need you strong but they also need to know it is okay to be sad. God Bless you all.

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  80. Hi Barb,

    When I read your post it brought back memories of when my husband passed away. I was 35 at that time and he was 37. He passed away a week after his birthday. He was under cancer treatment for 9 months. It was certainty difficult to handle day-to-day activities, and I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was such an interruption in life. I had to go through a lifestyle change of being single and to rely on myself for household responsibilities when they once were shared. I really didn't know when I was going to be "mainstream" (I elected to be elusive for a while due to my emotional status.) I never would have imagined I would share my experience with a fellow teacher. As I look back (11 years ago), I have grown so much spiritually. I am thinking of you and please know you will feel better on your own time. And it is okay to be weepy. Remember, you are only human.

    Lovingly,
    Fawn, fmahalo@sbcglobal.net

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  81. God Bless you and your family

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