---This post is kinda long and a
warning there will be some sad parts, but happy to say there are a few happy ones too---
I will take every small happy moment I can get...
To say we are in a better place is a mixed bag of emotions. I am handling/feeling better than I was in September and my youngest is not on a need to know of my whereabouts every five minutes. He is still very close, but beginning to branch out and spent a couple nights with my mom and his cousins after Thanksgiving. Oh, Thanksgiving week, that was a crazy week! My birthday was on Tuesday, our anniversary was Wednesday (26 years) and then Thanksgiving on Thursday. I had a small meltdown on my birthday but happy about the new tattoo I went and got--picture later in the post. My boys wanted to make sure I wasn't alone on Wednesday and we were going to go out for dinner, but when the day arrived I just didn't feel up to it. My boys, sister, and her family came over and we ordered Chinese and watched movies. I had a mini meltdown after everyone left. Thanksgiving rolled around and I had everyone over (just like always) and I figured this was the best because I would be busy and close to my bedroom if I needed to get away for a little while. Started the day with a few tears while talking to my mom on the phone and then was doing good while I was preparing our dinner, then it happened. It was time for everyone to come in and eat and this was too much knowing he would not be coming to the table. I went to my room, but my niece, sister, sister-in-law, and daughter-in-law, and mom came in and we sat for a little while while they took turns holding me and then I felt Thankful for everyone that is in my life to help us through this. I eventually braved it and we went to the dining room and ate together. Friday was a good day--shopping with my sister and lots of presents were found and bought. I will do this. I will do this...
October was a blur, I think we were just treading water and in that fog. I really don't remember much of the month. I know I was going through our files, organizing, searching, and completing the million things you need to do when your spouse passes. And had to explain over and over and over again to all the companies we deal with. Most were very supportive and that helped a lot. It was just so hard to say the words. We were finally getting to a part that we could function closer to our new 'normal' and then November hit.
The first Sunday in November, the day after daylight savings time, a close family friend lost their mother to a horrible accident. She was rear ended in front of her house and was going inside to let her husband know and get the insurance card and while crossing the road was struck and killed. She was 2 years older than me and her children are the same age as my oldest. Her son spent the weekends with us when Frank was in the hospital and his girlfriend stayed almost nonstop while we were at the hospital. They are members of our family even if they are not blood related. That week brought everything crashing back down on us as we were helping them and staying close for moral support. Really made me thankful that we had those extra days with Frank. It was so hard watching them go through this.
But like I said, it does have some happy notes...
I was worried that my kinders would not remember me because we only shared 8 days together. I stopped by a birthday party that first Sunday in November (earlier in the day before her accident) to pick up something from a fellow teacher and 7-8 of my kinders were in attendance. I was so nervous about going in,but faced it and glad I did. My kinders were excited to see me and remembered who I was. They were talking and hugging and watching, like no time had passed. The parents were nervous like me and didn't say anything. You have got to love the innocence of children! I had planned on visiting the classroom, but couldn't after her accident, so I went the following week. They were so excited and the ones in attendance at the party had told the others. I felt relief and visited again that week. I didn't go in Thanksgiving week but I did go in this past week and they wanted to know when I would be able to stay every day and not have to leave. That will make going back on Monday a little easier...until the drive home. That is still a challenge because I have 45 minutes to let my brain wonder about all kinds of things.
I am thankful for my family and friends, and all my bloggie buddies that have offered their kinds words and have been a huge support for us!
I almost forgot to show you my birthday gift. I had $50 left from Frank's money clip and had been saving it for this. I knew what I wanted and was hoping that it wouldn't cost more than the $50. Not that I was worried about the cost, just only wanted to use that money. I could use other money for the tip. So it worked out that her open day to take in walk ins was on Tuesday--my birthday. I showed her what I wanted and she drew it up and placed the stencil on my arm. I loved it and she tattooed it. I asked how much and she said $40. Wow! I didn't have to use any other money-- just the 50 dollar bill--now that is amazing. So, here it is.
I hope to have a lot more happier posts in the future, not a promise--just a goal.