Friday, September 21

A Difficult Time

Warning----may be difficult to read, but I feel that I need to share our story...

I wanted to let everyone know that I am going through a very difficult time right now and I am working to heal my heart.  My husband suddenly collapsed Tuesday morning, September 4 while I was on my way to school.  I received a phone call from my 12 year old son that his dad was laying on the floor and he didn't know if he was breathing.  I told him that he needed to tried to wake him up and I would call 9-1-1.  While I was doing that my son gave his dad CPR.  I arrived home shortly after the paramedics and they frantically worked on him in the dining room.  They were helping him breathe and finally were able to shock his heart before leaving our driveway.  While in the emergency room they need to shock him again and then his heart began beating on its own without any further interruption.  The cardiac lab found no blockages in his heart and later found out that he had a blood clot in his leg and they suspected part broke off and went to his lung. He tried to wake up and was breathing over the monitor so they told us they needed to sedate him and help his body heal.  The hooked him to a machine called the Arctic Sun that cooled him quickly to 33*C and he stayed like that for 24 hours and then was warmed slowly over a 16 hour period.  Over the next few days we had ups and downs and without going into all the details, I can tell you that my world came crashing down because I lost part of my life when he died on that Wednesday.  My youngest son is a hero in our eyes and he is struggling with that because he didn't think he did enough.  We are assuring him that if he had not been there for his dad we most certainly would not have had the extra nine days to be with him.  Even though he never was able to talk to us or fully wake up I am assured that he fought as hard as he could to be with us and for that I am grateful.  I am taking some time off from the classroom because I want to be in a better place when I go back to my kinders.  I am working on making my family feel safe again and will work on school projects while Devin is at school--this will help me stay in my 'teacher form'.  I still am unable to process everything that has happened because he was a healthy person.  He had just been to the doctor the month before for a check up.  There were no typical warning signs and I am told that even had he gone to the doctor that morning it would have been unlikely that they would have suspected a blood clot.  I struggle with my emotions daily and am trying to find my new 'normal'.  We were very close and usually where one was, the other was close behind.  During a time like this you find out who you can count on, and sadly there are one or two who should just keep there mouth shut.  I am thankful for family and friends and my school family,  Everyone has been very patient and understanding.  It is easier to write the words than to actually say them.  I am finding that I am forgetful now and the emotions change often and all over the place.  Please pray for my family.  I am not noticing any red line errors and I really don't want to go back and reread my post, so please forgive my rambling.  I know with prayers I will get to that safe place again.

I love that man.